Loss

Important Terms

Bereavement — the STATE of having suffered a loss which refers to being DEPRIVED of anything a person perceives to be important. A loss of any kind. This could be a breakup in a relationship, loss of employment, divorce, death, self-esteem or loss of a dream. The loss may not necessarily be the loss of something good but may be something negative like an alcohol problem, smoking, or a bad marriage.

Grief — REACTION to the loss itself. Feelings such as shock, anger, guilt, helplessness, and depression are common reactions. Grief is also a PROCESS involving many changes. The bereaved move through their grief by acknowledging the loss, confronting their pain, integrating the loss into their lives, and by reinvesting energy into other pursuits.

Grieving is the process of structuring one’s life without the deceased or the object of the loss. The intensity and duration of this process is different for each person. Grieving is an essential part of the healing process. The loss, whether person or possession, will always be remembered. Grief may be said to be resolved when a person is able to think of the loss/deceased without intense pain. It is at this point that the healing process is complete.

Mourning — a SOCIAL EXPRESSION of grief. It involves customs and rituals that help the bereaved person acknowledge the loss and grieve. Mourning differs from grief in duration; in that, grieving continues long after the social expression, mourning, has ended.

Coping with Loss

The following information has been collected from people who have sustained the loss of someone they loved. Appreciation is expressed to Peer Counsellors and Lynn Rock of YWCA’s On Our Own program and participants of the Living Through Loss group at Family Service Association.

Physical

1. Exhaustion due to stress makes you very susceptible to illness. Pay attention to physical needs of nutrition, rest and exercise. It is easy to neglect yourself because self-care is "too much trouble now."

• Nutrition: Lack of appetite is common. Eat lightly even though there is no enjoyment in it.
• Rest: Sleeplessness is common. Some people have used the long night to write a journal, bake, knit. Make room in your day for naps or "time out."
• Exercise: Getting out, walking, gardening, swimming, etc., is important. Temptation "to crawl into a shell" is normal. Start small, you will gradually gain momentum. If you have symptoms of illness, get a doctor to check them out.

1. Feeling of being weighted down ("lead in my boots") is common. Do not suppress tears; they are healing and help lift the load.
2. Now is the time to pamper yourself. Sleep in, read, watch late television, buy a record, flowers, good book. It will pay off in a sense of physical well being.
3. Stress is a very real problem. Learn some relaxation techniques that help to reduce stress.

Emotional

1. Everyone needs some help. Do not be afraid to accept it; or ask for it, if it is not forthcoming. People usually want to help and will respond but feel awkward and unsure of what to do.
2. You may be more emotionally upset than at any other time. Be aware that severe upset is not unusual. If you are alarmed, seek professional help, remembering there is no merit in suffering unnecessarily.
3. When you feel the need to be alone or accompanied, make the need known. Needing company is common and does not mean you will always be dependent.
4. The emotions experienced after loss are not always fully understood by others, especially those who have never been bereaved. If this is so, try to find someone who has been through a similar experience.
5. It is not uncommon to have periods of distress which may come and go over a long period of time. There is no set period of time in which your feelings "ought" to subside.
6. A "brave front" is expected, even admired, in our society, however, sadness and crying are a natural part of the grief process. Share your feelings with those you trust.
7. Often numbness sees us through the first few days or weeks; however, a let down with attendant low energy may follow.
8. During a period of grief it can be difficult to judge new relationships. Do not be afraid of them; be cautious at this vulnerable time. You may need more time or different friends than you already have. Seek our new social outlets but at your own pace. Sometimes in an effort to stop the pain of grief, people try to replace the lost person too soon, through adoption of a child, remarriage, new lover, etc. Take your time.
9. Someone who is not too close to you but has survived a similar experience can be particularly helpful; sometimes family and friends seem to tire of hearing you and have their own loss to deal with.
10. You will feel happy sometimes. This may be followed by feelings of guilt and the desire to repress those happy feeling. Happiness is a natural gift, allow it.
11. You may be told you are doing well and sense an underlying criticism. Remember, you and your loss are special and you will recover in your own way.
12. Respect your own need for private space and time. It is necessary to get acquainted with the "you" who must go on. Loss inevitably changes you.
13. You have sustained multiple losses. You may have lost your role of "mother of . . .", "friend of . . .", etc., as well as the loss of the person you loved. Consider all issues. Talk them out to gain perspective on them and have them sink into your consciousness. It sounds harsh but it helps recovery in the long run.

Intellectual

1. Avoid making major life decisions within the first year unless absolutely necessary.
2. Don’t make any major decisions without seeking advice from someone you trust; an impartial source of help.
3. Most people find it best to rematin settled in familiar surroundings until they can consider their future calmly.
4. Know that there is a ‘grief process’. Anger, resentment and other emotions often referred to as ‘negative’ are a normal part of loss. Emotions are neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’, however, there are appropriate and inappropriate expressions of emotions, for example… physically harming yourself or others is an inappropriate expression of anger.
5. Don’t leave control of your life up to others. It is common to feel ‘robot-like’ and "follow the instructions from the loudest voice". Take your time. Your reflexes and mental processes are temporarily dulled, but still available to you.
6. Try to put the person who died into perspective. Recall his/her personality, strengths and weaknesses. There is a strong tendency to idealize the dead which makes mourning very difficult.
7. Don’t be unduly disturbed by temporary lapses of memory. You are living on a very deep level and may be somewhat pre-occupied. Ask people to understand.
8. People may think you have a lot of spare time to fill and perhaps expect you to take on extra responsibilities, committee work etc. "because it’s good for you". Proceed with caution. This is your time to re-assess your life, perhaps with new goals more suitable to your life situation.

Spiritual

1. A sense of humour is in good taste. If you have cultivated a good sense of humour, you may be surprised and appreciative of the amusing thoughts that come to mind.
2. New springs of creativity are often found by people who have been sensitized by loss. Music, poetry, photography, painting, and writing are often a product of suffering and grief.
3. "Build a relationship," "Do a good deed," and "Suffer well," are Viktor Frankl’s (a Jewish concentration camp survivor) prescription for surviving loss and finding meaning in life. Many people have said that reaching out and helping others has been the best therapy.
4. Read, meditate, probe your faith. This is the time to question and arrive at a deeper level of understanding of your purpose in life.
5. Saint Francis of Assisi’s prayer may be a comfort to remember.

Rituals

Rituals are a way of coming to terms with a loss. The funeral or memorial service is the most common ritual, with the exception of various ethnic and religious traditions. Rituals may also include the preparation of the body, wakes, and prayer services. Following the funeral, there may be memorial services, sometimes weekly for a period of time, or on the yearly anniversary of the death. For some black clothing or ribbons to signify grieving are worn.

Those dealing with a loss will often develop their own rituals, which may include setting a place at the table as a reminder of the one who is missing; visiting the cemetery; releasing balloons as a way of letting go or saying goodbye; lighting candles on special days. All these rituals are important and assist the bereaved in moving on with their lives without the presence of the person who has died. In most cases, rituals are very healthy exercises that enable the bereaved to accept their loss.

However, some rituals can keep people stuck in their grief, e.g., shrine building; keeping the deceased’s room exactly as it was at the time of death; dedication a corner of a room to the deceased with memorabilia and pictures — thus allowing the life and death of the deceased to be ever-present — never to slip into the background. These rituals may promote the fantasy that the deceased may one day return. There is a time when the empty space left by the deceased must be filled by the living.

Links

Growth House Incorporated

Grief, Loss and Recovery

Acknowledgments

The information on this page was provided by the University of Alberta Student Helpers, who in turn received the majority of the information from the Support Network of Edmonton.

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