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GREAT SPARTAN FORESEES HAPPINESS!
At an address delivered yesterday to a throng of cheering undergraduate and graduate students from his royal Adelbert balcony, Great Spartan Edvard Edvardovitch Hundertov delivered his boldest promise to date regarding the future of our great Spartanland, “I have foreseen happiness at CWRU.”
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STUDENTS SATISFIED!
According to CWRU officials the student body has achieved “total satisfaction.” This milestone was part of President Hundertov’s vision for the university. Credit for the new level of happiness has been attributed to new university policies. “By systematically lowering student expectations we have greatly expanded our ability to satisfy the student population,” said vice president of Information, Thomas...[full story]
Fried shrimp cover-up in dining halls exposed
An anonymous student made a shocking discovery on Mar. 26, when she peeled the breading off her fried shrimp at Leutner. Further investigations have revealed that Leutner has been serving deep-fried cockroaches under the label “fried shrimp” for months now. University officials have declined comment, which leads students to suspect corruption.
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